DEEP THOUGHTS by JACK HANDEY

To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.

Better not take a dog on the Space Shuttle, because if he sticks his head out the window, his face might burn up.

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to a burned-out warehouse. "Oh, oh," I said. "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke.

Have you ever seen a man get on a horse, and get bucked off, and then try to get on a second time? If I was that horse, I'd be sure to buck him off real hard.

I guess of all my uncles, I liked Uncle Caveman the best. We called him Uncle Caveman because he lived in a cave and because sometimes he'd eat one of us. Later, we found out he was a bear.

Memories of my family meetings still are a source of strength to me. I remember we'd all get into the car -- I forget what kind it was -- and drive and drive.

I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some bees there. The smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we played. I remember a bigger, older guy whom we called "Dad." We'd eat some stuff or not and then I think we went home.

I guess some things never leave you.

In my opinion anyone interested in improving himself should not rule out becoming pure energy.

I think they should continue the policy of not giving a Nobel Prize for panelling.

Here's a good joke to do during an earthquake. Straddle a big crack in the earth and if it opens wider, go, "Whoa! Whoa!" and flap your arms around as if you're going to fall.

I guess I kinda lost control because in the middle of the play I ran up and lit the evil puppet villain on fire.

No, I didn't. Just kidding. I just said that to illustrate one of the human emotions which is freaking out. Another emotion is greed, as when you kill someone for money or something like that. Another emotion is generosity, as when you pay someone double what he paid for his stupid puppet.

When you're riding in a time machine way far into the future, don't stick your elbow out the window or it'll turn into a fossil.

Sometimes the beauty of the world is so overwhelming, I just want to throw back my head and gargle. Just gargle and gargle and I don't care who hears me because I am beautiful.

I think there should be something in science called the "reindeer effect." I don't know what it would be, but I think it'd be good to hear someone say, "Gentlemen, what we have here is a terrifying example of the reindeer effect."

If I had a mine shaft, I don't think I would just abandon it. There's got to be a better way.

I think man invented the car by instinct.

If a kid asks you where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is, "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is, "Probably because of something you did."

It makes me mad when I go to all the trouble of having Marta cook up about a hundred drumsticks, then the guy at Marineland says, "You can't throw that chicken to the dolphins. They eat fish."

Sure they eat fish if that's all you give them! Man, wise up.

A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse to the phone. "Hear that?" you say. "That's dynamite, baby."

I'd like to be buried Indian-style, where they put you up on a high rack, above the ground. That way, you could get hit by meteorites and not even feel it.

I bet when Neanderthal kids would make a snowman, someone would always end up saying, "Don't forget the thick heavy brows." Then they would get embarrassed because they remembered they had the big hunky brows too, and they'd get mad and eat the snowman.

I guess we were all guilty, in a way. We shot him, we skinned him, and we all got a complimentary bumper sticker that said, "I helped skin Bob."

I wish I had a Kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both Dracula and Superman away.

Too bad you can't buy a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin real fast and freak everybody out.

Marta says the interesting thing about fly-fishing is that it's two lives connected by a thin strand.

Come on, Marta, grow up.

I don't think I'm alone when I say I'd like to see more and more planets fall under the ruthless domination of our solar system.

Marta was watching the football game with me when she said, "You know most of these ports are based on the idea of one group protecting its territory from invasion by another group."

"Yeah," I said, trying not to laugh. Girls are funny.

To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kinda scary. I've wondered where this started, and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus and a clown killed my dad.

I guess I'll never forget her. And maybe I don't want to. Her spirit was wild, like a wild monkey. Her beauty was like a beautiful horse being ridden by a wild monkey. I forget her other qualities.

Whenever anybody says he's struggling to become a human being I have to laugh because the apes beat him to it by about a million years. Struggle to become a parrot or something.

The old pool shooter had won many a game in his life. But now it was time to hang up the cue. When he did, all the other cues came crashing to the floor.

"Sorry," he said with a smile.

I bet what happened was they discovered fire and invented the wheel on the same day. Then that night, they burned the wheel.

I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit the high notes, I'll bet you can really see it in those genitals.

When one of those things screeches across the room and latches on to some guy's neck, and then the guy screams and tries to rip it off, I have to laugh, because what IS that thing?

It takes a big man to cry in public. But it takes an even bigger man to laugh at that man.

My sister and I were driving when we passed a sign that said 'watch for rocks.' My sister said, 'That should say watch for *pretty* rocks.' I told her she should write to the Highway Department or wherever and tell them that. She said it was only a joke. How lazy can you get. Saying it was a joke just to get out of writing a letter.

If I am ever reincarnated into some type of primitive tribe, and when I am on the verge of manhood they give me a little spear and tell me I must spend the next week out in the desert, fending for myself, I am just going to refuse to go. And if they try to make me go, I will just grip hard onto the trunk of a small tree with my arms and legs, and if they try to pry me off, I will just grip tighter and start making weird begging sounds. And you know what? I'll bet doing that is what makes you pass the test. Hey, I did pretty good, didn't I?

In my opinion, the world does not need high-speed clowns, running around so fast that you cannot see their various high jinks.

Sometimes the smartest thing you can do is just say nothing. But sometimes the second-smartest thing you can do is just start blabbing away, blah-blah-blah, just saying anything that comes to mind.

If we ever discover a race of alien beings on another planet, I'll bet it would be surprising just how many of them are missing part or all of a tentacle.

I hope I am seen as an unpretentious man, a man whose lack of pretension is so impressive and intimidating that people are overwhelmed by it.

Sometimes, in making a question, you are actually making a statement. For instance, you could ask, "What do you think of the fact that Abraham Lincoln was our 16th president?"

If you're like me, when you see an old man walking down the street with his dog, you can't stop laughing. What is it about an old man and his dog that tickles the funny bone in all of us?

Sometimes I think that by trying too hard, I am actually working against myself. But then I think that if I try REALLY, REALLY hard, so that I'm sweating and panting and the veins are bulging out on my temples, that's when things finally start clicking for me.

If you ever have to sign a treaty, just act like an idiot, drooling and babbling while you sign. Then, later on, when you break the treaty you can say, "Hey, that was back in my idiot days."

A trampoline made out of logs, suspended by ropes, probably wouldn't be very comfortable. Also, you wouldn't be able to achieve much "bounce." And yet, I'm guessing that that is what the children of lumberjacks once had to make do with. But you know, I'm guessing that they didn't even mind.

I've never heard of anyone actually catching a cannonball after it was fired, but if it could be done, I have a feeling that the secret to it would be to try to not catch it. Are you following me, or is this way over your head, just like the cannonball that you're supposed to catch?

Most people probably don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull with common wood screws, can make a child look like a deer.

He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved the land so much, he made a woman out of dirt and married her. At the wedding, when he kissed the bride, she fell apart in a big cloud of dust, and the churchgoers laughed at him. So he shot them. At his hanging, he told the crowd "I'll be waiting for you in heaven - with a gun."

In weightlifting, I don't think sudden, uncontrolled urination should disqualify you.

If I ever opened a trampoline store, I don't think I'd call it Tramp-O-Land, because then it would sound like a store for tramps, which isn't the impression we're trying to convey. On the other hand, we wouldn't prohibit tramps from coming into the store and bouncing around on the trampolines, unless a tramp's gyrations seemed to be getting out of control.

I for one am glad we're not all alike, because then we'd all like the same things and there wouldn't be enough haggis to go around.

Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke". But to me, that's what her dinner tasted like.

When Grandpa went fishing in his best suit, we all laughed. When he returned with the town whore, we didn't.

Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.

Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: "Mankind." Basically, it's made up of two separate words - "mank" and "ind." What do these words mean? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.

I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they choose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.

I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, "What was THAT?!"

The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.

Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus Flytrap. The flytrap can bite and bite, but it won't bother the frog because it only has little tiny plant teeth. But some other stuff could happen and it could be like ambition.

I'd rather be rich than stupid.

If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadors came up to you an asked where the gold was, I don't think it would be a good idea to say, "I swallowed it. So sue me."

If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave Man, I guess I'm a coward.

I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every culture, is the story of Popeye.

When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.

What is it that makes a complete stranger dive into an icy river to save a solid gold baby? Maybe we'll never know.

We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.

Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.

I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was free. To make someone run out with potato salad in his hand, pretending like he's throwing up, is not what I call hospitality.

As I bit into the sweet, tangy nectarine, and tasted the juices running down my chin, I looked down, and realized that it wasn't a nectarine at all, but a HUMAN HEAD!