A HANDY CONVERSION TABLE FOR COMPUTER CATCH PHRASES
                          by Michael Finley
                  American Reporter Technology Writer

        ST. PAUL -- I was touring a development site for a major technology
firm last week. Suddenly, as if to mock the power of all the machines
stacked everywhere, nature called. I ducked into an employee-only area,
looking for a rest room. Instead I found a bulletin board, with a memo on
it that was so intriguing that I had to pocket it and retype it here for
you:

        TO: ALL ASSOCIATES
        RE: 1996 INDUSTRY PHRASE CONVERSION TABLE
        As you know, we upgrade our product offerings very frequently.
        It is important that we remember to upgrade the meaning of industry
phrases. Attached are phrases which we will continue to use this selling
season, along with their new meanings. This bulletin includes nuances as
recent as March, 1996.

        * Data backup recommended. Used to mean: "Our technical people are
good enough to detect bugs but not fix them." Now means: "Our legal people
had a good long look at our technical people."

        * Debugged in beta tests by over 100,000 power users. Used to mean:
"Before we gave strangers a first glimpse of our product, we showed it to
people who already knew us and valued our products." Now means: "Now that
we've alienated people we know, it's your turn."

        * DOS-free. Used to mean: "You won't need DOS to launch this
operating system." Now means: "You can't get to DOS now if your life
depends on it."

        * Double your disk space -- or better. Used to mean: "You can
improve your hard disk capacity up to 300%." Now means: "Once your data is
permanently scrozzled, your new capacity is virtually unlimited."

        * Easy installation. Used to mean: "Your repairman can stick this
in your system for about $30." Now means: "Your repairman can stick this in
your system for about $30, plus another $50 to fix the mess you made trying
to do it yourself."

        * Help is just a phone call away. Used to mean: "Our tech support
is available 24 hours, offering fresh advice from flesh-and-blood experts."
Now means: "They were still alive when you dialed."

        * Incredible productivity tool. Used to mean: "One person will be
doing the work of 20 with this program." Now means: "You're one of the 19."


        * Industry standard. Used to mean: "Our protocol is so accepted,
everyone else copies us." Now means: "Improvement on this product ground to
a halt five years ago, and are we glad."

        * Legacy system. Used to mean: "The mainframe your organization
spent $28 million for six years ago, confident of 20 years of pumped-up
data muscle." Now means: "Landfill."

        * Major upgrade. Used to mean: "We think we can convince you you
can't live with a two-year-old interface." Now means: "No new user with
multiple brain cells is going to spend money for this, so we're targeting
people who are perfectly happy with the product the way it is."

        * Modest memory requirements. Used to mean: "We're too modest to
tell you what the actual requirements are."  Now means: "We've lost track
of what the actual requirements are."

        * Multimedia-ready. Used to mean: "We found out you need cartoons
to understand anything." Now means: "We can now annoy your every sense but
smell, and we're working on that."

        * Our trained technical support staff is manning the phones to
serve you. Used to mean: "Both of them." Now means: "Ed."

        * PC Journal Product of the Year! Used to mean: "Amazing how well
advertisers do in these competitions." Now means "Of course, that was years
ago."

        * Powerful challenge to Microsoft. Used to mean: "We're trying to
make two killings, one before Microsoft knows we exist, and another when
they buy us out." Now means: "Please don't hurt us."

        * Real time. Used to mean: "Denoting information that is true right
now, as distinct from aging data posted at regular intervals."  Now means:
"Denotes higher cost for fresh data; short for real bad time."

        * Reengineering. Used to mean: "We know you have more money."  Now
means: "What about collectibles and coins?"

        * Reliability is our middle name. Used to mean: "You don't want to
know our first and last names." Now means: "We stand behind our products --
well behind them."

        * Requires minimal maintenance. Used to mean: "At a minimum this
requires lots of maintenance." Now means: "There's not much you can do by
yourself to keep this thing up and running."

        * Revised release date. Used to mean: "We're sorry we did not meet
last year's shipping schedule." Now means: "We're not sorry we did not meet
last year's shipping schedule."

        * Robust. Used to mean: "We dropped your system from the door of a
rail car and the green light still came on." Now means: "We haven't dropped
it yet."

        * Screamer. Used to mean: "This machine can process instructions
way faster than your operating system can provide them." Now means: "May
require Windows 95 to prevent overheating."

        * Superhighway speed bump. Used to mean: "The scary high-tech
future that you must master or perish." Now means: "Your grave marker."

        * Upgrade. Used to mean: "Shame on us." Now means: "Shame on you."

        * Virtual reality. Used to mean: "A mind-twisting dimension where
you are besieged by blood-sucking monsters." Now means: "You needed that
job, didn't you?"

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