The Stages Of Life

 THE MALE STAGES OF LIFE
 
      AGE        DRINK
      17         beer
      25         beer
      35         vodka
      48         double vodka
      66         Maalox
 
                 SEDUCTION LINE
      17         My parents are away for the weekend. 
      25         My girlfriend is away for the weekend. 
      35         My fiancee is away for the weekend.
      48         My wife is away for the weekend. 
      66         My second wife is dead.
 
                 FAVORITE SPORT
      17         sex
      25         sex
      35         sex
      48         sex
      66         napping
 
                 DRUG
      17         pot
      25         coke
      35         really good coke
      48         power
      66         coke, a limousine, the company jet 
 
                DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE 
      17         "tongue"
      25         "breakfast"
      35         "She didn't set back my therapy." 
      48         "I didn't have to meet her kids." 
      66         "Got home alive."
 
                FAVORITE FANTASY
      17         getting to third
      25         airplane sex
      35         menage a trois
      48         taking the company public 
      66         Swiss maid/Nazi love slave 
 
 
                HOUSE PET
      17         roaches
      25         stoned-out college roommate 
      35         Irish setter
      48         children from his first marriage 
      66         Barbi
 
                WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED? 
      17         25
      25         35
      35         48
      48         66
      66         17
 
                IDEAL DATE
      17         Triple Stephen King feature at a drive-in
      25         "Split the check before we go back to my place" 
      35         "Just come over."
      48         "Just come over and cook."
      66         sex in the company jet on the way to Vegas.  
 
 
      THE FEMALE STAGES OF LIFE
 
 AGE        DRINK
      17         Wine Coolers
      25         White wine
      35         Red wine
      48         Dom Perignon
      66         Shot of Jack with an Ensure chaser 
 
 
      EXCUSES FOR REFUSING DATES
      17         Need to wash my hair
      25         Need to need wash and condition my hair 
      35         Need to color my hair
      48         Need to have Francois color my hair 
      66         Need to have Francois color my wig 
 
      FAVORITE SPORT
      17         shopping
      25         shopping
      35         shopping
      48         shopping
      66         shopping
 
 
      DRUG
      17         shopping
      25         shopping
      35         shopping
      48         shopping
      66         shopping
 
 
      DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE 
      17         "Burger King"
      25         "Free meal"
      25         "Free meal"
      35         "A diamond"
      48         "A bigger diamond" 
      66         "Home Alone"
 
      FAVORITE FANTASY
      17         tall, dark and handsome
      25         tall, dark and handsome with money
      35         tall, dark and handsome with money and a brain 
      48         a man with hair
      66         a man
 
      HOUSE PET
      17         Muffy the cat
      25         Unemployed boyfriend and Muffy the Cat 
      35         Irish setter and Muffy the Cat
      48         Children from his first marriage and Muffy the Cat 
      66         Retired husband dabbles in taxidermy, stuffs         
     
     Muffy the Cat
 
      WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED? 
      17         17
      25         25
      35         35
      48         48
      66         66
 
      IDEAL DATE
      17         He offers to pay
      25         He pays
      35         He cooks breakfast the next morning
      48         He cooks breakfast the next morning for the kids 
      66          He can chew breakfast
 

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